The visit

"Somewhere I have never travelled
Gladly beyond any experience
Your eyes have their silence
In your most frail gesture are things which enclosed me
For which I cannot touch, because they are too near..."

                                                        The First Time I loved Forever
                                                        (theme from "Beauty and the Beast")

A guy visited me the other night, for reference sake let’s call him P. Actually, it was one of his friends who invited me out but somehow this friend did not click with me so I allowed myself to wander off in the party until I found myself enjoying a conversation with P. It may have also helped that he was a cutie which is my second pitfall next to intelligence.

P has Chinese blood so you can imagine how disarming those gazes were from his eyes. He was fair (I never liked dark guys after my sleazy college boyfriend), around 5 feet 5 inches tall with a face that made me tachycardia.  Everything was light and easy when we talked, I totally forgot about his friend who was supposed to be my date. I told him about my daughter thinking my honesty he would find scary but he smiled and just nodded. No sign of shock or disenchantment. He even admitted that his friend was really interested in going out with me and literally forced him and another friend to tag along so it won’t be too obvious that it was a date. I like honesty in a guy and his brand was something that made me feel at ease instead of the usual candor that makes me queasy and run for cover. For a moment, my resolve never to like a guy this soon slowly weakened. It was not deliberate. Here was a guy that I just met but I feel like I’ve met him in my past (cheesy!). As the song goes, his presence soothes me. I just love serendipity!

Time really flies when you’re having fun; we enjoyed talking that we didn’t notice the party had ended and his friend – my date – told us it was time to go.  I sat on the front passenger seat and I had to restrain myself not to turn my neck and talk to him in the back seat. So near yet so far.  They dropped me off our place and he gave me this smile that made my knees turn into jelly and made the butterflies in my stomach do triple somersaults! The three of them said goodnight but it was only P’s that I heard.  When they drove away I found myself smiling like a high school girl who had just her real big first date.

The next day, I was surprised when someone knocked on the gate – it was P and his disarming smile. I let him in and we talked some more. Mum arrived from work and they too talked; he was pleasant and Mum was visibly relaxed, sharing info here and there and smiling the whole time. Now for those of you who know my mother personally, you would realize this is a feat because she is as hard to open as bottle of Chiz-wiz out of the grocery shelf.  But P’s boyish grin was so potent even Mum was put off guard.

He then excused himself, went inside the house perhaps to empty his bladder but when he reappeared he was wearing house clothes! P said he will go back to his parents’ house to get the rest of his stuff, I tried opening my mouth in protest and I let out a bark ----- and then I woke up.

The dogs were barking like crazy when I opened my eyes. I checked on Leia and she was sleeping like a baby so I shut my eyes quickly and tried going back to sleep to chase my dream, to talk and to see P again. But despite my effort I simply couldn’t go back, I reached the point of no return. It was the proverbial waking up from a dream and I lost P even before we kissed or even before hearing him confess his feelings for me.

I got up from bed with the same giddy feeling I had in my dream. P’s face started to get hazy but the few details I remember I wrote it down here. I still don’t know what to make out of that dream but I had to write and share it with all of you. Am I too jaded that I can only be with someone special in my dreams? Was it my subconscious making breaking free? Heaven forbid, am I like a traveler on the desert who keeps seeing a mirage of an oasis because of thirst?!

I don’t know. They said that dreams are the opposite of reality. Was it ominous of my future?

For all it’s worth, P is a figment of my Ina-Tay mind – an accumulation of my letdowns on finding love. He embodies that someone I hope to meet someday, when I have come to grips with everything that has happened and when everything in my life has been put to order. P is that soul who will make the butterflies in my stomach re-learn to do triple somersaults, the one who will give me enough courage to tear down the walls I built around me, the one who will give me hope to love again. I haven’t given up on love; let’s just say my heart is    undergoing restoration. For one, everything about me and in me right now is for Leia. I certainly can’t use any distraction no matter how disarming or charming he may be. And contrary to what a few people think, I am not thirsty for a man’s love or attention. I’m happy where I am right now.

To P, thank you for “visiting” me; it certainly was a treat despite the fact that you were just a dream. The feeling you drew out from me was so real, it was as if you were existent. I was happy to have met you but I have to go back to my reality where you don’t have a place. (Hmmm… maybe I should try to squeeze some more of my literary juices and write P a full-length love letter? Pwede!)

So until the next “visit” and maybe this time, it’s for keeps.